Too Many Words Wednesday: Christmas 2015

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I know the holidays are beautiful and fun and meaningful, as we prepare our hearts to celebrate Christmas. I’m seeing “It” everywhere; the modern day Christmas cheer. My social media feeds show me perfectly decorated homes, happy moms baking with their kids, husbands buying their wives jewelry, big families gathered around the immaculately adorned tables, friends buying expensive and thoughtful gifts for each other, and the list goes on.

I’m not denying that this cheer is real. I’m just saying we may play it up to be a little bit more ‘perfect’ than it really is.

When I think of the mom snapping a picture of her magazine worthy Christmas tree with matching ornaments and garland (not a sentimental childhood ornament to be found), I have to wonder how many times she hollered at her little children to not touch her masterpiece. I’m not sure, the posts never say, and I don’t dare ask!

Full disclaimer: If I “nail it” with something this Christmas, whether it be perfect cookies, well dressed kids, whatever, I am going to post it. I’m sorry. Please don’t think that whatever I post is the whole story.

Example: Last weekend as we were getting ready for the Christmas program, my youngest insisted she was going to wear a puffy white tutu and her black yoga pants. I insisted she wasn’t. After some tears we compromised and she was able to wear it under her dress that I picked out. You can’t tell it in the pictures we snapped, but I promise you it’s there.

The internet doesn’t always tell you the whole story.  I know you moms already know this, I just think it’s worth being reminded of.

That doesn’t mean everyone is a fraud, it just means they aren’t as prefect as you’re imagining them to be, so don’t be so down on yourself!

I decided not to put up my BIG Christmas tree this year. I told my husband it was just too much for me right now. We have a pre-lit 5 foot tree that is taking its place, and although it isn’t as big and beautiful as our original tree, it’s doing the trick. I feel joy when I look at it, and that’s what I’m searching for this Christmas; for JOY.

It’s just that other tree is SO BIG. There’s no denying that it’s beautiful, but I feel like it’s all for show. It takes SO much work to set it up, it takes up so much space, and when two different people asked if I was going to put it in my window again, I knew I just couldn’t do it. That’s not what this season is about to me.   It’s about Jesus, and I get the way other people are honoring Him with their amazing trees and perfect homes, but that’s not how I’m doing it.

That doesn’t mean I’m right, or they’re right. It’s just how it is.

I know it’s easy to feel sad and depressed this time of year over absolutely anything and the reasons aren’t silly or unjustified; the loss of a loved one, family quarrels, money, too many people to buy for, no one to buy for, etc.

That first Christmas after my MIL passed away was R.O.U.G.H. It’s gotten easier, but my heart still breaks a little each time I see my husband missing his mom and her traditions.

Each gathering as we peel potatoes we laugh about his mom shoving 20 lbs of potato peels down the garbage disposal and needing to send a couple guys to go buy a clean plunger to unplug the sink. The house was full of about 20 people waiting to eat. Oh we laugh and laugh about it, and then we go silent and tear up.

To each of you who are hurting at Christmas, I want you to know that I’m praying you find a way to experience a cheerful heart. I am praying that God shows you JOY. I’m praying for a renewed spirit around what this season is all about. I’m praying you don’t feel alone, especially when you’re surrounded by people.

Please don’t feel like you have to out do anyone, or even yourself. If you need to take a time out, do it. If you need to buy your cookies rather than bake them, do it. If you don’t love doing crafts with your kids, don’t do it.

Do what works for you, and know that may not work for everyone.

Love,

Quincey B.

My Heart Today: The Orphans

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Photo Courtesy of  Courtney Lorenz Photography.
My family and I drove home from church today in our Town and Country van.  We bought it new, had it custom-fit for our family, and delivered to the same dealership where we had bought our last minivan, just a couple years before that.
When we got home the kids got their top of the line Razor scooters out and rode around our driveway in front of our 3 stall garage.
I was a little worried about our youngest getting stains or scuffs on her new jeans since I just took the tags off of them this morning.
They’re kind of tight, but I don’t want to mess with returning them, so I think she’ll wear them for a few weeks and we’ll pass them on to someone else.  We aren’t hard-pressed for clothing right now.
My husband took off his pressed button-up collared shirt and changed into an American Eagle sweatshirt and stood on the plush carpeted floor for our living room with his nearly new Nike tennis shoes.
From there he turned on our 50 inch LED TV, that we also bought brand new, and sat down to watch some football.
I came out to start typing some thoughts that were on my mind after the sermon this morning, and our oldest daughter is now happily doing a craft at the kitchen island.
Soon I’m going to join her and we are going to decorate our pumpkins we picked up on a fun family outing to a pumpkin patch yesterday.
Our middle son has a friend over and they’re playing with Legos.  I cringe at the thought of how many hundreds of dollars worth of Legos we have floating around this 10-year-old house that we designed ourselves.  What a difference it would make if even HALF that money was put towards feeding the hungry.
My point here is this:  Gosh our life is good and while ordinary, or common, it really really quite luxurious.  And I’m pretty sure we’re considered middle class.  There are people that have it even “better” than we do in terms of material items.
Now I promise you it hasn’t always been this good; we have had struggles in our marriage, in a custody battle, in finances, etc.
But those struggles I’m telling you about, even though they were tough to endure, and seemed nearly impossible at the time were just that, ‘for a time’.
“First Word Problems” is how I’d hashtag all that stuff. 
I am heartsick for orphans.  I have had sympathizing tears streaming down my face all morning wondering how on earth I can help these children in need.  I’ve prayed for these children for years, but now I want to use my own two hands to care for them.
I can prove that I can fiercely love a child I didn’t birth, because I’ve been doing it since our oldest was just a year old (through step-parent adoption, and Christ’s Love).  I even fiercely love her birth momma and pray for her on the regular, but that situation is tougher than I can articulate through a blog post (maybe someday).
Never mind the fact that I know in my heart I love all children I meet, even the random children that play with my kids at the park for an afternoon, or the neighbor kids who stay for supper, or the kiddos who play video games in our basement.
Lord, I KNOW my heart is aching for these children who need homes, for a way to serve the poor, care for the weak and needy.
But HOW?!  How God, do I do that without giving up too much of my cushy life? How do I get my family on board?  Where is the community of people you talk about in the Bible?  Because I’m going to need their support to do
this.
Why aren’t we ALL adopting?  How do my husband and I agree to take on the tough stuff like this, when I feel like we’ve already endured so much of the tough stuff and now it’s “our turn” to just enjoy life while it is good?
Or maybe it’s time I do give up some of this cushy life. Maybe it’s time I quit pinning all the things I want in a new home on my Pinterest board and shift my focus to your sweet orphans.
Lord, can you send me some pins that teach me how to do that?  I wish YOU, Lord, coud e-mail me a link to a blog post that describes my heart, and shows me a step-by-step outline of what comes next?  Because God, if you don’t send it through my e-mail, there is a strong chance I may totally miss it.  You see I’m fired up right now, but I know my wandering heart, it’s going to be checking Facebook and trying a new cookie recipe from the internet in less than a couple hours from now.  I’m going to get a Gap or Children’s Place e-mail with a coupon code and fully take advantage of that-  But what I WANT to do, is live for you.  I want to care for your children, but my e-mail hasn’t shown up yet telling me how to do this.
On a day by day basis I am so focused on materialistic and earthly things.  I’m so sick of it.  I’m ready to live a deeper life that is beyond ME and all about YOU.
Show me how.

The Scare; Finding Peace

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It rained all day yesterday.
My hubby took the day off of work to take me to my doctor appointment, the one for the breast exam.  I told him I could’ve went on my own, but he knew better.  I needed him there with me.
My mom watched the kids, and for that I’m so thankful, since it ended up being a whole day ordeal.
As we left for the doctor and made it about half a mile down the road, I remarked that it rained just like this, the morning of our wedding day.
That made me begin reminiscing all of our days together.  We married young.
While I’ve been waiting to get my test and results and just embrace whatever stage I’m in, I questioned one thing.
Was I satisfied with our days together? Was he? Was I a worthy wife to this man who loves me so deeply?
I felt at peace knowing that yes, I was very satisfied with our relationship.  Even though the toughest of tough days, horrible days, hopefully unlike many of you have ever had to face, I was satisfied knowing he was on my team.
I use the “leave it better than you found it rule” everywhere, even in my relationships.  I don’t always succeed, but I do give it an honest effort and pray through the ones I’m struggling with.
I decided over the weekend that yes, I could leave my family now, knowing they were better than when I found them.
I heard my oldest daughter singing hymns and worship music multiple times last week.  I saw my youngest (2) praying for her meals and shouting “GOD MADE ME!” to anyone who would listen.  I witnessed my son, our middle child,  practicing communion and mentioning that he was the man of the house when dad was at work.  He prayed for selfless things that most kids his age would never think of. I felt as if they were each mature for their age and stage, and that they were doing things that would glorify God.
I was at peace.
Then I learned that my breast tissue was healthy, and that I needn’t worry.
Which means I get to keep teaching my children, my husband, myself, and everyone else about God’s good news.
I am still waiting for the results from one more test.  I’m hopeful that will turn out just fine also.  The doc didn’t seem concerned, so unless the test comes in and tells me otherwise, I’m claiming I’m healed, in Jesus’ holy and life giving name!

Sweet Graycie’s Baptism Anniversary

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Happy 2nd Baptism Anniversary to this little cutie! 2 years ago we dedicated you to the Lord in front of our great big church family. We had no idea that just three days later we’d almost lose you. This day reminds me to love you while I can, because even though I say you’re mine, you’re not. You belong to Him, Our Gracious God, and I am just the lucky one who has gotten to spend my days watching you grow. I love you, Sweet Baby Graycie.

Mom Needs Shoes

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So there we were, a family of 5, hauling butt through a parking lot so I could make an impromptu stop at the shoe store, and still get everything done on my errands list.
In our Circus Operation we had:
  • A dad head up, looking forward, strutting his stuff with a new haircut.
  • A preteen holding her phone and glancing down to check it every few seconds
  • A toddler in a stroller trying to pull her socks and shoes off.
  • A frazzled mom (me)
  • A carefree little guy who shouted out:

“Hey MOM! Do you want to take a picture of me sitting on this rock?”
I took a breath, smiled and choose to say “Of course I do!  Hop up there!”
He did, I snapped they picture with my cell phone, it was over in 10 seconds and we kept moving along.  His fun tank had been filled and he was SO HAPPY.
I recently became aware of the alternative to “Fake it Until You Make it” & that’s this: “Fake it Until You Become it”.
5 years ago, actually even 3 years ago, or perhaps just 1 year ago I was a very different person than I am today.
I’ve been realizing how much I like who I’m becoming through these little changes and moments of saying “yes” and choosing “patience” and “grace“.
Surround yourselves with encouragers, choose to say yes, and above all, just keep breathing.
Mothering isn’t easy or picture perfect, even when you’re the type that nurturing comes naturally to.  I can assure you this though:
 There are no moments of ease and glimpses of picture perfect.
I’d love to hear your happy moments, if you’re willing to share.

Through The Dish Water

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“Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.” —P.J. O’Rourke

Tonight after my brother’s birthday dinner, I dried a few dishes while my mom washed them.  Mostly I just stood there admiring her hands as they scrubbed the plates.  Her hands are so familiar to me, but tonight I really saw their beautiful.  My mom is truly an amazing woman, and I think I just fully realized that a few hours ago.
I wish I could undo all the yelling I did at her during my teen years, but I can’t.  I guess I’m going to have to spend the rest of my days loving on her that much more!

My Friend, Amy.

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Amy Elizabeth Hild.
September 9th, 1987 – February 25th, 2015

Amy Elizabeth Hild

I’ve known Amy’s full name for well over 10 years, and I’ve never forgotten it.  She used to doodle it in her math notebook all.the.time.  She’d put fancy designs around her name and play around with different lettering.  She’d occasionally get called out for drawing, rather than looking at the board.  Amy later became a graphic designer.
It was apparent that this was her passion and gift, even as a kid.  How cool is that?
Amy was a year younger than me in high school, but we were in the same math class.  I’ve never been more grateful for my lack of math skills and dependence on a calculator.  It meant I got to spend an entire school year sitting next to Amy in Mr. Perry’s class at Clear Lake High School.
She was fun, she was honest, and she was beautiful.  She explained math to me in a way I could understand.  If I was stuck, she helped me, without judgment.  She did everything without judgment.
I never had any reason to be upset with her. I can remember one particular day when she gave me a picture of
herself.   Rather than the normal crappy school pictures this was a beautiful portrait that her parents took her to have
done.  She talked about singing in church and I remember thinking “Is there anything you DON’T do?”  I may have even said that out loud.  It didn’t make me jealous, but made me admire her even more.  She had so much talent, and she inspired me.
Last Wednesday was much like any other snowy day in Iowa.  We slacked a little on our traditional schooling and instead made tags to attach to a stack of sleds we bought to give away.
The kids were making their Random Act of Kindness tags as I supervised, taking pictures to blog about the experience.
They made a list of who they wanted to give them to, prayed over the list and for the people, and then went out delivering. Before I knew it they were having a little sledding party on the hill across the street.
Afterwards the kids and a neighbor mom ended up here, for treats and hot chocolate.  I silently praised God for our  neighborhood, and all the love and community we’ve found here.
I was distracted doing real life, and not checking my phone.  I love those moments.
We were living our day like a perfect tribute to Amy, before we even knew she was gone.  Amy was a good deeds do-er.  Yes, I made that phrase up, but it really does describe her.
After everyone left here I cleaned up and took a seat on the couch to “veg out” with my phone (it happens).  One of the first things I read on Facebook was this:

I yelled out a big “NO, NO, NO, NOT AMY!”

I worried that this was a mistake and felt bad about how it must have worried her family before they found out she was fine.  I sat like this for quite a while, before I realized how NOT FINE I was.  I was in absolute denial.  And I stayed that way, until this morning, when my husband and I attended Amy’s Celebration of Life.
I needed the closure, I needed the community. I am so thankful for all the people who were there, banned together in support for Amy’s family.
My heart ached for her fiancé, but by the end of the service, it just rejoiced.  He found Jesus through Amy.  How lucky he was to be so close to her and to spend all the days together that they did.  I think of all the experiences they had,  and I just smile.  Amy was an advocate for Jesus.  Her life was lived on purpose, with purpose.
 Her funeral was so large that, I kid you not, there were parking attendants directing traffic in the parking lot!
There was a room for overflow because the sanctuary was full, despite the staff/volunteers bringing in extra chairs, multiple times.  I mean WOW!  I can only hope to have a funeral where so many people come together to show support to my family, after I’ve passed.
Today as I sat down to start writing this I looked back at Amy and I’s Facebook messages to each other, dating way back to 2008.  I had forgotten all we’d been through and all we had talked about.  Now that she’s gone I can clearly see why we had some of those conversations when we did, even though at the time they didn’t seem like they would be so life changing.  They were.  For her and I both.  Amy didn’t use social media as a mask, it was a tool to her.  She was just as genuine online as she was in person.  She was a one of a kind.
I am forever grateful for getting to meet Amy Elizabeth Hild while she was on this Earth.  I’m grateful I was able to call her a friend, and I am grateful I was touched by her passionate spirit.  She taught me so much more than just some
silly math facts (sorry, Mr. Perry!).

Amy’s Obituary

Amy’s Blog

Memories For My Baby Girl: Daddy Twirls You Around the Kitchen

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My memory may fail me at some point.  I know this, because it has before.  This little blog is not only my place to encourage others, but to chronicle my thoughts and store my memories, in case I ever forget these sweet moments.  I have no idea how long my posts will stay on the internet.  It’s my hope that someday my children can see these and know they were so very cherished.
This Thankful Thursday is dedicated to my amazing husband.  He does so much to help me keep this house running smooth, clothes on our backs, and food in our bellies.  I thank him for those things, although I don’t say it nearly enough.
The thing I want to thank him for today though, is dancing with our daughters and rocking around the kitchen with our son.
 I’m blessed to have a fun husband, even if sometimes that means I feel inadequate for being the party pooper.
They really would listen to music and dance all night if I weren’t here to stop them and call for bed time.
Our youngest loves to shout “let’s dance!” in the bathtub with her duckies.  She then giggles and twirls them, or stirs the water to make the little plastic duckies dance.  The ducks are dressed as a bride and groom (a gift from my brother and sister-in-law around the time of their wedding).
Even more special is when that same little girl runs into the kitchen and asks her daddy to dance.
“Dance?” She says with a smile and her hand held out high to meet his.
And even more special than THAT will be the day he twirls her around the dance floor at her wedding reception.  We’re in no hurry, and I’ll savor each day between now and then.  I am still greatly looking forward to that day though.
You see, these moments are special and great, and I love every bit of it.  You know what though? I know there is far greater to come.  What a great promise to believe in.
Greater things are yet to come.

Enjoy the Journey, Heaven Awaits

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For Christmas we gave the baby a stroller for her own babies.  It took her less than a week to figure out she fits in her new dolly stroller.  Oh boy. 
The last doll stroller we had (about 10yrs ago) was held together with massive amounts of duct tape by the end of its life (well, its life here.  Believe it or not, a kind grandma bought it on our garage sale, for her grandbabies to play with).  I imagine this one will be in the same shape within a matter of time.
You see, even though I know it won’t last forever, or even a long time, this stroller is worth it, for the experience.  For the lessons it teaches, and the compassion & confidence it creates.
She’s changing as a little mommy, as she uses this stroller.  She’s independently taking her baby on walks across the house, saying ‘so long’ to us, and confidently going on her way, stopping every few feet to check on her “sweetie”.
I pray each of you have times in your life that you go for what you want, even though you know it won’t last forever.  Experience life.
Experience the joys, even knowing the end may not be your ideal ending (covered in duct tape, heart ache, whatever it may be). 
Life is worth living.  Just as our old doll stroller had a life with that kind grandma, after it left here, there is life after our lives here on Earth.
Smile.
Enjoy the journey.
Heaven awaits.

28 Random truths about ME

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1.  I was proposed to and broke up with, on my
18th birthday. It was symbolic to me of how I always get my hopes up and get crapped on every birthday. I’m not bitter about that or anything… :/  I suppose it just comes with having a birthday so close to a holiday.
2.  I know my “bad” birthdays are still not as bad as what others are facing, and for that I’m grateful to God.
3.   I left college & my amazing job to be a stay at home mom, out of necessity.  It’s a long painful story with a redeeming end where I got to adopt my sweet “little girl”, who is now the big girl in our family picture.
4.   Friendship has always been and I’m assuming always will be a struggle for me, because of my own self confidence issues that were formed throughout grade school.
5.   My ideal day is one where I’m able to
take naps, eat out for every meal, walk to anything I want to see, and do
it all with my little loves.
6.   I dreamt of being a traveling nurse, eventually a doctor, and that I’d cure Alzheimer’s. That didn’t
happen.  But it’s okay, because I just learned that right now, being a wife and mom is “enough”.
7.   I didn’t attend church while I was in middle and high school.  I wanted so badly to be invited by someone, to learn about God, to learn how to find true happiness in Him, not others. If only I had the
courage to go alone. I know now, God had a different plan for how I’d meet him.
8.   This year we forfeited a big vacation for a top of the line washer and dryer set.  That’s when I knew I was
maturing. 
9.   I was the self proclaimed (later I convinced everyone else too) “Head Master Chef” in a pizza place for
4 yrs.
10.      Pizza and watermelon are my favorite foods. 
11.      I spend too much time researching and not enough time just “going with it”. 
12.      My greatest fear is being forgotten after my time on earth is through.
13.      Sometimes I wear my husband’s socks. Like even now… I’m wearing them right now…
14.      Adoption holds a special place in my heart and I’d love to have the chance to give a little one (or two.. or more..) a forever family, if it’s God’s will.
15.      I greatly enjoy thrift stores, department stores, warehouse stores, online stores, and shopping in
general! 
16.      I find joy in giving, but have a hard time accepting/receiving.
17.      I married my first serious boyfriend (what does that say about the proposal I got at 18.. yeah, it must not have been as big of a deal as I made it to be at the time).  A decision I’ll never {again} regret.  We had some rough times, but without the struggle, we wouldn’t have found our strength.  And there’s a whole lot of strength there now. 🙂
18.      I pretty much always paint my toenails pink. “LOLA” by ZOYA it’s my fav.  I prefer to keep my
fingernails clear since I cannot for the life of me paint them perfectly.
19.     I admire beautifully decorated pristine homes, but the energy in so many of them just bring me down.
20.     The most visually appealing place I’ve ever experienced was Alaska. There I saw breathtaking beauty like I had never seen anywhere else in the world. The scenery, oh the scenery, it’s just magical.
21.     I love all things music.  Listening, creating, singing.  Unfortunately I have a life long incurable case of
stage fright.  I could kick the boy that told me I sounded like a frog in 3rd grade.  I’d probably be wiser to kick myself for believing him.
22.     Even when I fail at something I feel like I can try it again and get different results.  I’m not sure if this is
courageous, or just dumb.
23.     I unexplainedly (is that even a word?) lost my memory a few years back.  Frustrated by what I was going through, I rehabilitated myself through diet and mind exercises.  I now try to fill my kids lives with memories and take plenty of pictures to help them jog their memories, in case they are ever to forget all the fun we’ve had together. 
24.     I have a slight obsession with white boards.
25.     I love repainting old furniture.  I’m not great at it, but I take much joy in the process.
26.     My favorite place in the world is in my husband’s arms.  Cheesy, yeah, but so true.
27.     I recharge my momma batteries by laying on the deck  and reading a good book or listening to a gentle tune on the radio. 
28.     My favorite bible verse is: Proverbs 12:26 “The righteous should choose his friends carefully,
For the way of the wicked leads them astray”. 

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